PERRY - A Houston County inmate jailed for failure to pay alimony is in the second week of a hunger strike and is being watched by the prison's physician. "Yep, I been watching him and if he don't eat soon he'll die. My money's on day 24," said Dr. Jack Sickorky.

Thomas J. Lockejaw, 54, is a contract physician and is accustomed to numerous hours without food or sleep. "I think he may be hallucinating, he may think he's at work," Sickorky said.

Deputies are holding the pool of monies collected as the inmates and deputies all speculate on the date Lockejaw will expire. A deputy who asked not be named said that Lockejaw's life is in jeopardy not only from starvation but from inmates anxious to cash in on the pool. "With $2,500 at stake, the man ain't safe, so we're having to watch him closely," the deputy said.

Cracker Barrell chain promotes litracy for the chillen

For the next 21 days Cracker Barrol Old Country Store will be helping America's children learn to love reading through its 30-day Naborhood Book Drive. The drive, which is a part of the restront chain's 30th anniversary celebration, will take place in all 394 Cracker Berrel locations across the nation.

Cracker Barril is asking that all interested patrons and employees donate new or used chillen's books and wants each of its locations to collect at least 3,000 books. The goal is 1,000,000 donated books by the first of September.

"It's going purdy good so far," said Wally Bronzik, a manager at the Cracker Bairrel on Riverside Drive in Macon. "I'd say we have about 100 books, so that just leaves a few hundred more to go for our goal. But we're hoping for a lot more than that. Cause everbody knows it's a shame when chillen can't read no books."

WASHINGTON - Senator Max Cleland decided to let it all hang out when he did a photo spread for Esquire magazine recently. The magazine featured nude photos of Senator Cleland frolicking on a bear-skin rug. Senator Cleland expressed shock when he learned the photos were published in the national magazine, Esquire. "I thought that photographer was here to get photos for a dating service I'm joining. You know, those 900 phone sex lines are getting old, so I wanted to branch out into other avenues. I heard about this website where you exchange naked pictures before you sign up for the date. I reckon my phone will be ringing off the hook now," Cleland said.

Georgia is a state known for its conservative leaders, for example, Jimmy Carter, who told Playboy magazine that he lusts in his heart. Cleland was non-chalant when asked about whether this would cause him political damage. "Shoot, if Mr. Carter can lust in his heart, I can lust on the phone. If President Clinton can get serviced in the Oval Office, I can take a few kinky pictures and try to line up a date. What's the big deal?"

Residents of the north Bibb county Allison Park neighborhood are complaining about the excessively high body-count, the numerous carcasses of slain ducks and a lunatic gunman menacing the area surrounding the lake. In addition to safety concerns, residents complained of the noise from high-powered rifles, aerial strafing, artillery, land mines, attack helicopters and the agonized screams of ducks caught in the murderous line of fire.

The man, Robert W. Gerson, does not deny shooting at the ducks. "They're filthy, they crap on my lawn and furniture and they peck on my poodle, Donald. I had a Doberman named Daffy but those ducks killed him. I'm not flying the coop on the issue but I see no reason for them to flap or get their feathers ruffled. If those quacky neighbors want to waddle over here to my roost, I'll show 'em my high-powered assault pellet rifle, then they'll really have something to squawk about," Gerson said.

The ducks are not wild and are not protected by the Department of Natural Resources, everyone involved agreed. The Bibb County Sheriff's Department tried to pass the duck and turn the case over to the DNR, but DNR refused to take the matter under their wing. "We're not ducking this issue, we just don't take any cases where bomb craters are involved," said DNR spokesman Teal Ringbill.

"There are just not any laws out there about bombing ducks," said Lt. Woody Canvasback, spokesman for the department. "But there ought to be. And the neighbors keep laying down bait to draw them in. These tame birds are really sitting ducks for a well-armed assassin. One witness claims the gunman fired a belt-fed assault BB-gun into a flying formation of bombing ducks, but we've not been able to confirm that. My biggest concern is that someone must pay the bill for removing these dead ducks."

WARNER ROBINS -- They met. They bickered. They threw tomatoes and squash at one another. Representatives of Houston governments accomplished little other than a few bloody noses and bruises---perhaps a few had fun during the food-fight finale. Clean-up crews worked for hours to hose down the room and clear away rotten vegetables and other refuse splattered in the melee.

Centerville Mayor Mary Ann Weigand was critical of the timing of Tuesday's meeting. "Why has it taken two years for this to surface?" she asked. "We've all been aware of this since the legislature passed House Bill 489 in 1997. Why did we have to wait six weeks before the deadline for any of this to come up?"

"Huh? What deadline? I thought we had a 120 year extension. 120 days? Oh, that's different," said Houston County commissioner Attie T. Ensiondeficit.

The four governments in May received a 120-day extension of the state-mandated July 1 deadline to file a plan. The extension was required when Warner Robins Mayor Donald Walker refused to sign a 57-page plan developed with the assistance of Middle Georgia Regional Development Center.

Agreement on a plan seems unlikely in the near future given the jigsaw-like borders and fierce turf guarding. One local resident applauded the impasse. "When the state government comes to lock up all these local yahoos, we'll all be better off. I like this," the resident said. "Unfortunately, someone will probably forge Walker's signature along with the others, then file the plan and promptly forget about it."

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins